Exactly one week ago, my beloved brother was buried at the new Pusara abadi.
GOD it seems like yesterday...
My brother was one out of two SAF personnel killed in the recent accident crash in the Hu-kou province in Taiwan. The other was Private Fan Yao Jin who was cremated on last Tuesday...
till now, im still gripping with the fact that i wont be able to see my brother ever again, not hear his weird laughter, not feel his arm around me comforting me, not hear him reminding me to fold the clothes, not hear him call me and say i love you at the end of the phone call...
im okay. i reli am. despite the fact that tears are trickling down my face and i feel my heart clenching as if there is no air and i feel my throat turning dry still...i am okay.
My parents showed me the first signs of trouble when my dad called me whilst i was nervously waiting for my NP scholarship interview(which pales in comparison to what my parents were feeling) and asked me wat time i end and that once i end call him. i was bewildered. my dad NEVER offers to pick me up from school, just to send me to school takes almost all his willpower much less picking me up from school... so i felt veri uneasy but shrugged it off thinking it was some minor thing. but it kept nagging on me.till after the interview i called him and i asked him what happened but he refused to answer me at all. thats when my fears multiplied ten-fold. i was worrying desperately for my mum who had a host of ailments like diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol etc. throughout the walk to the convention centre, my imagination ran wild thinking all the worst thoughts but it was more or less centred on my mum. not once did i think it was my brother...
i met sherwin at the IS building and i apologised for cancelling our makan session cause of this emergency. he told me not to worry about it and to relax... but i just couldnt. when i went up to the convention centre, my parents was alredi outside the car anxiously waiting for me. when my parents saw me, my mum started crying into my arms. i couldnt make out what she said and kept asking her what happened. my dad took my bag and said quietly that my brother had an accident in taiwan.
i asked them that he is in hospital rite? " he passed away aniszah"
i was stunned.my mum cried louder.i joined her screaming "i want abang" hysterically not wanting it to be true. my parents tried comforting em but i kept on screaming in the car all the way home... i told my mother that maybe he was trapped under the rubble or something or watever that it couldnt be him... or they made a mistake. i guess now i noe i was just trying not to accept the truth that i was now the eldest...
my dad parked the car but i couldnt walk, i couldnt walk at all. i juz wanted my brother wif me. i wanted to noe dat he was still alive juz mistaken for someone else or whatever... but i knew deep inside he was gone.
i broke down right outside the 7 eleven at my hse juz crying my brother's name.i was a mess. my nose was running and i was crying, my eyes blurry, my mind fogged.my dad kept telling me to be patient and pulled me up from the floor and carried me to the lift. i just couldnt walk anymore... at home i washed my face and went into my room and lay down. i didnt want to do anything, didnt want to see anybody other than my bro...
at night my auntie from my mother's side came and i pulled the covers over me. i couldnt stand what they were going to say. i couldnt eat, didnt have the appetite to chew while my brother had passed away.i just wanted to stay in bed and die instead of my brother.haix...
then the army people came and they told em how it happened, how it was a freak accident and it couldnt be forseen.
BULLSHIT.
it could have been prevented! i just wanted to slap the person's face and scream to the face, "YOU HAVE NO BLOODY CLUE HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE A BROTHER LIKE HIM SO DONT GIVE ME DAT CRAP!"
of course i din say dat. but i told myself that staying in bed wouldnt help anybody and my parents needed me to be strong for the family esp my sis. my sis cried when my mum told her.. it broke my heart to see our family like dat.
around 8, the army personnel came and told us that one of the two bodies found was my brother after conducting a DNA test and his body will be flown back to singapore the next day around 3 plus 4. before, we expected the worst but we hoped desperately dat my brother wouldnt be one of the two bodies found. now dats dashed.
my brother would be accorded a full military funeral and i informed his secondary and JC frens. i called my best frens and told dem the news on the phone with tears streaming down my face... i juz couldnt take it.
dat night, after everybody had left i cannot rmb exactly wat happened but i knew dat i couldnt sleep at first juz tossing and turning before exhaustion took over me and i fell asleep. the next day was the day of the funeral... i wore an orange baju kurung cause i din have a black one... my dad's fren's maid stayed over at our hse together with my grand aunt on my mother's side and my grandmother on my father's side. the maid took care of cleaning the house in the morning before everybody came. i cried in the shower. imagine me squatting down in the shower with the cold water pouring down on my head...
finally i pulled myself tgt and changed into my clothes and went out. alot of my relatives came and hugged my mum who was crying when she hugged each and everyone. my mum looked distraught no! Destroyed.
DAMN...
so its been one helluva week since the accident but sometimes i have that feeling whereby my late brother will unlock the door and walk into the house and say "why is the house so messy??"... GOD. i miss him so bad.
but its no point brooding over the 'why's and being emotional when death comes to all of us...one day. also, i'm sure being the protective brother of mine, he will not want to see us sad for his passing as it will make him even more distressed in heaven. which is so ironic because in heaven, you should not have any care in the world and be free from sin. yes, being sad is normal but life has to go on, if you stay stuck in ure grief, it will make other people worry needlessly for u and you become dependent on other people.
i will not let myself be like that.cause... i have too much pride.
but of course im still human. so if sometimes i blank out for awhile or i ahve tears in my eyes. juz keep quiet and pat my back. it will be greatly appreciated. thanx in advance =)
before i end, i have something to say for my brother.
i love you more than ordinary words can say.
so with my heart and soul i will pray,
for you to finally find some rest
while here on earth i will do my best
to make ure sacrifices adn hard work matter.
Abang, i noe i may not be a perfect sister,
but i will try for yours and our family's sake.
'cause this responsibility i alone must take.
- It's not over.'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.-
wasting away, i see you
