a fresh face from the slumbers

yesterday, more army people came basically to settle the compensation and stuff and the way they handled the issue was so... insensitive. well not all of them. just one in particular. damn it. my brother was a better person than u ever will be. we are going to fight for JUSTISZ so live with it.

aniwae... after that, the commanding officer(CO) came up bringing his belongings from his locker at maju camp and also when he went to Taiwan. i went inside the room not wanting to see it but then my Aunt came in crying and i stopped watever i was doing and went out to see. my mum was crying and i hugged her and started crying wif her as my dad unpacked everything from his bag. all those unacknowledged feelings awashed me yet again.haix. wen will this pain end...

after that, i washed my face in the toilet not wanting to think about it anymore and went to the room while my parents was outside putting the stuff back into his bag and kept it in the store away from teary eyes. it was for the best i know.

den i decided to go online and chat wif people and keep up appearances. it did nobody good for me to keep questioning myself and esp God. He sometimes does things that we do not want to accept but its for the best in order to make us become a better person. my council fren, Christi, also said this wen i talked to her yesterday online. she, by far, best understands my feelings cause she herself lost someone very dear to her at the end of Sec 1. her mum.

though i know it was painful for her to talk about it she did it bravely yesterday to me holding on to a sliver of hope that her pain will help lessen the pain of others namely myself. girl.. i respect you. it isnt easy to accept my brother's untimely death but im sure it must be harder to accept her mum's death at an impressionable age where ure emotions are beginning an all-time high.

she told me that she herself questioned herself and God many times why why did it have to be her mum... but she said that all things happen for a reason and she has matured into a better person because of it. man... i hope her change can also be reflected onto myself too...

throughout that conversation, i felt my emotional baggage become lighter knowing that someone else has overcome this and took away the positive things about it without forgetting the bad. i want to be like her :) she warned me not to bottle it all inside but im afraid i cant do dat... im dat kind of person hu chooses hu to let it all out if i DO let it out... esp wen its something as significant as this. if i tell u something about myself that i normally wouldnt tell someone, i guess it means that i have accepted it in my mind and its no point hiding it any further... or if i dont let it out i will go nuts...

so i guess she will be hearing from me real soon =)) hehe.


- I know sometimes i can be. all wrapped up and into me-